I'm Not Who I Was

I do believe my first time ever hearing this song was from 89.7 WMHK (the Contemporary Christian radio station of Columbia, SC). I had to Google it ASAP when I got home. At first it was the breathy beats that caught my ear - then I Google-ed the lyrics upon discovering which song it was. The 5th-7th stanzas were especially relevant to my life...and now, I often wonder what had happened to my crazy devotion to Jesus? I want to grow spiritually again - but I also don't want to. I don't feel ready to open my heart fully and completely dependently again to God quite yet.

My life was very similar to the song, for I really weren't who I was (refer to 5th stanza). But now, I reverted back. It's sad, I know.

Lyrics to "I'm Not Who I Was"

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

Click here to Google "yellow" images

Do it.

It makes you happy.

Keep shuffling through the pages.

Now smile :).

Not too long ago, I randomly mentioned to my friends that one day I want to put aside a room in my future home in which I would fill with vivid, happy colors so that I have a location to retreat to when I needed a little "brightening of my day."

Ashley, my roommate for the upcoming school year, suggested materializing this idea with our bathroom.

An optimist is a person who goes fishing for a whale with nothing but a row boat, a fishing rod, and a gallon of tartar sauce.

Once upon a time about four summers ago, I received my "Bosom Buddy," a big blue binder that is. The contents of this binder were anything but ordinary. In fact, they were rather...mysteriously wonderful. And I am here today to share with you a little piece of this wonderment. Credit to BETA Broyhill Leadership Conference - you guys are truly the best.

THE OPTIMIST'S CREED

Promise yourself...

1. To be so strong that nothing can destroy your peace of mind.

You really are the one, single person in the universe ever to have the capability in granting any one or any thing permission to leave you sad, stressed, angry, and/or disturbed.

2. To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.

Not even necessarily explicitly health, happiness, and prosperity. Say anything that alludes or implies the three ideals.

3. To make all your friends feel that there is something special in them.

Because there really is something special in them! And it's up to you to bring out the best in them and keep the best exposed!

4. To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.

The old silver lining concept - it works. Cliché, yes, but it works!

5. To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and expect only the best.

This sounds like total b.s. because it appears to imply that everyone needs to be a perfectionist. However, not so; there are many different ways to view these concepts but this is how I see it: 1) To think only of the best is to think of the best of whatever current situation you are in. 2) To work only for the best is to put forth your best effort in each of your endeavors - even if it simply means to add a genuinely cheerful countenance in your daily "Good mornings" to your bosses, professors, teachers, parents, etc. rather doing so curtly with a half-hearted smile. 3) To expect only the best is to expect that the outcome of your work or even yourself will be the best only because you have earned the right to do so due to you having performed your best. Now, what do you think this means?

6. To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.

We're jealous beings. We hate to see other people triumph while we are left behind in the dust. I am guilty of this negative jealousy myself. But I have taught myself to forge a congratulatory attitude to those who have just tread on to victory. Actually, I think I've done it so many times now that I actually genuinely feel happy for them. Try it - you can trick your brain into it if nothing else works. That's not to say that I don't wish the accomplishment for myself, however ;).

7. To forget the mistakes of the past and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

My goodness, people! Have some dignity! Don't you have more respect for someone who makes a recovery and returns with his or her head held high? YES! The same applies to YOU. Take your failures and mold them into something uniquely you. Failures, mistakes, and scandals can only increase your potential because you can take them and learn. Do something proactive!

8. To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living creature you meet a smile.

Wearing a sunny disposition creates an amazingly uplifting effect on two people - you and the person you are greeting. Well, actually more than two if you continue this throughout the day to every living creature you meet.

9. To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.

Recall noticing all those people that you get so annoyed with because all they do is talk bad about other people while you can see that they are actually the ones that need improvement but are blind to that fact? Well...no further explanation necessary.

10. To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

Large, noble, strong, happy - not too bad of characteristics to have, am I correct? Thus, it certainly doesn't hurt to maximize them as well.

Moreover, the "Top Ten" reasons

This is an addition to my previous post.

TOP TEN REASONS for why I created this blog:
10. So I can share with you the weird things I see. I.e. the photo to the right taken while some friends and I were exploring SoCo (for all my SC friends out there, it's a street called South Congress in Austin that's full of whimsical boutiques, restaurants, carts, etc.). Photo credit to Miss Taylor Forman

9. I used to have a blog way back in my middle school days with Xanga...and I am experiencing blogging nostalgia.
8. I am of the ENFJ personality - thus, my energy, motivation, and happiness thrives on anything social. So, feel free to read about tidbits of my life and comment! :) Further elaborating, I just really want to have a shot at attempting to continue my high school friendships and reconnect with all you awesome buddies I've met around the country at leadership conferences. And I know you all stalk each other occasionally through facebook; therefore, I will be "sharing" every new blog post on facebook.
7. I really need to practice my writing... I will warn that my first few blogs may seem utterly pointless because I just started. But hey, practice makes perfect, right??
6. I learn random life lessons and come to revelations in which I feel like THE WHOLE WORLD NEEDS TO KNOW. For your sake.
5. It's my first summer in Austin - my first summer away from my old high school friends. I'm bored. I have nothing else better to do.
4. ...oh summer school? Yes, I will be taking both semesters...and one of my majors is Rhetoric and Writing...refer to #7.
3. I can vent somewhere about my parents because I fully intend on not allowing them to discover this little blog of mine.
2. WELL, Google said something about maybe potentially earning some revenue with ads once this blog was truly up-and-running...
1. I WANT TO SPREAD MY JOY AND ETERNAL OPTIMISM!!! :)
*Note: These did not necessarily result in an order of importance...though I DID try...

"How to start a blog"

The easiest instructions for how to start a blog.

I don't really know what prompted me to create this. Maybe it was the sunlight shooting through my blinds as I was ready to doze off into a nap. Or maybe I just needed somewhere to vent for my mother interrupted that bliss and had yelled for me to help her in the kitchen. Who knows?

And it really doesn't matter.

What I do know, however -

I have been recently terribly frustrated with my parents for they are what you call, "helicopter parents." They control every aspect of my life and I feel that I have no sense of freedom whatsoever. I will be 19 this summer. That's certainly past the legal independent age - and yet, I have somewhat of a curfew when I'm at home. However, mother and father dearest do not label it as a "curfew," they simply put it as a guideline since there is not technically a punishment if I were to be under an hour late. It really doesn't matter because I haven't really found much to do in Austin since I moved here because I'm so terribly unfamiliar with the place, but still. They even log into my UT account and Blackboard to check my grades and such. I know I have the legal right to have my privacy but what am I going to do? They don't give a care what I say and I'm not going to take legal action - I mean, are you joking?

But I do have to be grateful. For they allow me to spend loads of money on totally superfluous clothes, make-up, and eating-out food that I really shouldn't be spending considering our family's financial status quo. We have two houses back in SC that still need to be sold and we have a large apartment in Austin that we are currently living in temporarily. And of course, the ever-daunting college tuition and college housing fees.

But then again, I think - it was my dad's choice to move here since he had received that job offer. He wanted that higher status of working at The University of Texas at Austin (gasp!) rather than dull University of South Carolina. And the thing is, I could have gone to USC's Honors College with the Dean's Scholarship (not Southern California, mind you; I'm not that smart) and saved my family money with college tuition and by eliminating the additional moving costs (and now 2 ownerships of residences we cannot get rid of because of SC's unfortunately crappy economy).

But, Father was thinking about how much easier it would be to pay college tuition long-term for my brother and I without an out-of-state bill (oh, shall I ever be so full of gratitude. Yes, there was a tad of sarcasm included). However, though I absolutely adore UT now, I wouldn't have known it in the first place had I not come here; so in the end, it really wouldn't have mattered.

So, I kept shuffling back and forth wondering if I should resent my parents or be thankful for them. I still don't know. But I decided I needed to vent. And what's a better place to do that than a blog? YAYYYY!!! Maybe now I can reflect...or so attempt.