What problem? I don't have a problem.

Whatever quality of your own that you're most afraid of is what you hate in other people.  It's a vicious concept, however true.  Think about it, I know it applies to you.

I am not fond of slackers because I'm scared that I'm a procrastinator.  I am not fond of people who are late because I'm scared when I'm late.  I am not fond of those dependent on others because I'm scared to be alone myself.  I am not fond of those who do absolutely nothing because I'm scared that that's what I secretly want to be like.

It's really funny how our brains work...how naturally hypocritical we are.  It's something that's so hard to fight against.  I hate hypocrites because I am scared to admit that I am one.  Scary thought, huh?

My handwriting analysis says I'm spontaneous

After reading an article of Marilyn Monroe's inner turmoil based on an analysis of her handwriting in her private diaries, I was a little curious about what my own handwriting had to say about myself (though not neccessarily my inner turmoil!  Preferably not, actually.).

I took two online handwriting analysis tests.  The results didn't surprise me, not at all, really.

3SmartCubes said:
"Crystal, your handwriting reveals that you are an extrovert and spontaneous.
You need a lot of space, unwilling to concentrate or confine your energies on the small details of life.  You're quick in your responses and possess spontaneity."
       Hmm...let's see.  I'm claustrophobic, I'm ADD, and I'm messy - sounds like the the second sentence of the analysis.  As for the rest, I really do usually speak my mind when I feel like it (luckily, however, I normally don't say anything too offensive).

Feedbucket says:
"You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry."
       Quite right; my planner is my life and I am a little vain in my appearance I must admit.
"You are a shy, idealistic person who does not find it easy to have relationships, especially intimate ones."
       How accurate this is!  I'm very shy when it comes to having close friends (refer to my last blog post).  It takes me forever to feel comfortable with being close to someone - and it's probably why I run away everytime someone shows interest in me (hence, no super close friends in Texas yet and no boyfriend).
"You are diplomatic, objective, and live in the present."
       Self-explanatory, and basically true.
"You are not very reserved, impatient, self-confident and fond of action."
       I'm restless.  I hate to wait on people, I hate slow people.  I am confident often times to the point of being secretly (and even unconsciously) vain.  And, I'm extremely loud and boisterous.  Oh, and did I mention that despite me not being obvious about it, I do like attention?
"You enjoy life in your own way and do not depend on the opinions of others."
       This is true to a certain extent.  I value what other people think of me, deeply rather.  But it's true that I don't depend on what others think of me - I always end up doing whatever the hell I want anyway.

It amuses me, very much indeed, how your handwriting can say so much about you!

Home sweet home?

Here are some of the places I've lived in before:  China, Canada, Michigan, South Carolina, and finally Texas.
I've got three citizenships:  China, Canada, America.
I'd take myself to be well-traveled, or rather, lived.

But it's a never-ending flight consuming every corner of my life.
And it sucks.

And right now, I don't feel like I have a home.  I overheard a guy in the elevator saying, "Yeah and it felt so good to be in that queen-sized bed in my own house," and I got sad.  I have a queen-sized bed at "home" but it doesn't feel like mine, I never feel settled like that.  I don't get the feeling this guy gets everytime he goes home.  In fact, I don't even go home to a house of my family's right now.  Hell, I don't even go home to a house at all.  My family's stuck in a temporary apartment for a damn long temporary time.  Our two houses in SC are still not sold.  We still have boxes sitting around in our apartment, unopened.  The furniture from our big house is crowding up the apartment - I get bruises from bumping into things all the time.  And of course, my dorm is no home to me either.  I have none.  And I feel eternally unsettled.

Furthermore, I was never the type of girl to be a part of a clique.  Instead, I socialized with everyone and hung out with everyone - some more often than others but that didn't matter.  It was always difficult for me to get situated with a group of friends I was comfortable with.  And in the last few years of my ten-year stay in SC, I finally found a few friends that I felt connected to.  And then I left for Texas.  And now, I'm going through the same problem again.  Where are the best friends that I belong with here?  (I miss you tons, Dorothy.)

Maybe that's why I've become so restless and so anxious when I'm idle and not busy.  Maybe I'm trying too hard to hide my loneliness from myself (talk about Lone Star state!).  I can't have breaks, I'm a closet deep-thought junkie, like now.  The reason why I act so damn independent is probably because I'm afraid to get attached to any one thing or person.  I'd end up leaving like I always do, or whatever I get attached to will disappear from my life at a moment's notice.

So I keep scheduling infinite meetings, appointments, commitments.  And overloading myself with extra work on top of additional work - none ever getting done extraordinarily well because I'm too busy finding even more tasks to do.  And I keep trying to lose touch with everything and everyone around me, even myself.  And because of this, I never know what I truly value.

I just know that I have no real home, and it makes me kind of sad.  But, I suppose I at least know that I can adapt to a changed environment quite readily :).

Hanging out and Junior Prom photos in my old home in South Carolina: