I've got three citizenships: China, Canada, America.
I'd take myself to be well-traveled, or rather, lived.
But it's a never-ending flight consuming every corner of my life.
And it sucks.
And right now, I don't feel like I have a home. I overheard a guy in the elevator saying, "Yeah and it felt so good to be in that queen-sized bed in my own house," and I got sad. I have a queen-sized bed at "home" but it doesn't feel like mine, I never feel settled like that. I don't get the feeling this guy gets everytime he goes home. In fact, I don't even go home to a house of my family's right now. Hell, I don't even go home to a house at all. My family's stuck in a temporary apartment for a damn long temporary time. Our two houses in SC are still not sold. We still have boxes sitting around in our apartment, unopened. The furniture from our big house is crowding up the apartment - I get bruises from bumping into things all the time. And of course, my dorm is no home to me either. I have none. And I feel eternally unsettled.
Furthermore, I was never the type of girl to be a part of a clique. Instead, I socialized with everyone and hung out with everyone - some more often than others but that didn't matter. It was always difficult for me to get situated with a group of friends I was comfortable with. And in the last few years of my ten-year stay in SC, I finally found a few friends that I felt connected to. And then I left for Texas. And now, I'm going through the same problem again. Where are the best friends that I belong with here? (I miss you tons, Dorothy.)
Maybe that's why I've become so restless and so anxious when I'm idle and not busy. Maybe I'm trying too hard to hide my loneliness from myself (talk about Lone Star state!). I can't have breaks, I'm a closet deep-thought junkie, like now. The reason why I act so damn independent is probably because I'm afraid to get attached to any one thing or person. I'd end up leaving like I always do, or whatever I get attached to will disappear from my life at a moment's notice.
So I keep scheduling infinite meetings, appointments, commitments. And overloading myself with extra work on top of additional work - none ever getting done extraordinarily well because I'm too busy finding even more tasks to do. And I keep trying to lose touch with everything and everyone around me, even myself. And because of this, I never know what I truly value.
I just know that I have no real home, and it makes me kind of sad. But, I suppose I at least know that I can adapt to a changed environment quite readily :).
Hanging out and Junior Prom photos in my old home in South Carolina:
Oh Crystal... I hate that you feel this way. Even more so, I hate that I feel like I will be abandoning you if I end up transferring. Truth is you are my best friend here and I love you very much. Since I have made this decision, there has always been this intense fear in the back of my mind that I will lose your friendship. Thinking about it now makes me feel very anxious and unsettled.
ReplyDeleteWhether you know it or not, you have been a big factor in my struggle to figure out what to do. I, like you, have never felt like I have found a group of friends that I can just "be" with. Every strong relationship I have ever had, has ended up with them changing and moving on, while I am left behind... always the late bloomer and resistant to change. Because of this, I have not had a real, close friendship with anyone for a couple years now. My independence has allowed me to look past it and even when it bothers me, to constantly burry it. But now It feels nice to have found someone again.
Anyway, I guess my point is that I do not want you to think that you are alone because you are not. I am going through a lot of the same things internally like you. Although they may not be for some of the same reasons, I still battle loneliness and want desperately to find that place where I belong. I think that because we are so independent and handle our problems much in the same way, internally, it is hard and uncomfortable for us to communicate them with each other sometimes... regardless of that, know that you can come to me when you feel this way. Odds are I am probably feeling it too.
Lol wow... talk about venting!!! That felt nice to get that off my chest. Maybe I should start this whole blogging thing :).