Winter's a-comin'. It's time for the winter blues. Or rather, it's time for a hot-button issue that my friend and I have been discussing lately - I'm experiencing the onset of my speculated seasonal affective disorder (SAD).
But that's only part of it; my SAD is just an attention-grabber for this blog post.
What's really been bugging me lately is how much I feel like I've lost myself. It might be the stress and worry I've been experiencing. My fleeting thoughts are a part of my recently-diagnosed ADHD and anxiety. Regardless of the reasons, I can't seem to manipulate my mind onto the path it used to be on.
I'm an idealist, I always have been. But lately, I've been less so, much less so. I feel like I was more passionate about everything I did prior to this semester. I suppose you could say that I was more exuberant and vivacious...more thoughtful as well. I had more insight and more intuition for the way I want to live my life, my picture-perfect life (however, admittedly, with flaws - I'm not that idealistic). But lately, there's been less depth in my introspection, if any at all (obviously, since I haven't updated my blog in forever).
My psychologist told me it's because I'm like a spoonful of peanut butter. If I only had one slice of bread, I would sufficiently cover its surface. But since it seems like I have several slices of bread, I'm hardly covering any surface at all. I asked him, "Well, isn't that kind of the case with everyone?" He responded with a nod, "Yes." But then goes on to say, "Though only to an extent. You're a smaller spoonful of peanut butter." I'm sure he didn't mean to make me sound inferior, but I sure felt more inferior! What is so wrong with me that I couldn't be a larger spoonful of peanut butter?
He says there's nothing wrong with me, that I just have a deficit. But to me, that deficit is worse than anything in the world. Why? Because I feel like I'm losing myself. Though I've always prided myself in my careless goofiness, I prided myself in my ability to soul-search even more. There hasn't really been any of that lately. My "know thyself" development has come to a halt. I feel so...shallow.
And shallowness is absolutely unacceptable to me. In fact, I hate when people think I'm stupid or naive just because I like to be a jolly, energetic ball of cheer and laughter. I hate when people think I'm incapable or not enough of a hard worker just because they take me solely at face value, not allowing themselves to really get to know me. I hate being underestimated. But I hate it all because I've always secretly acknowledged that I am shallow. I'm shallow because when I decide to spread myself onto too many slices of bread, inadequacy results. And yet, I insist on grabbing more bread, searching every corner for just one more slice.
And thus, my relentless accumulation of slices of bread induces me to lose myself. It's kind of an agonizing process. And that's really where my thoughts end. I have nothing further to say about my current introspection. Because I can't, because I'm shallow, because I'm worrying about too many slices of bread. And I apologize for such an abrupt end.
Hey, don't be so down about it. I think your size spoon is fine and you are going through the same thing that everyone else does in college (or at least I did). Everyone is just trying to find that right amount of bread for them. The slices of bread you keep, will be the most important ones to you. I know right now you say you keep grabbing more bread but at some point you have to choose the most important pieces and just cover those in the best way possible. I'm confident that one day you'll find your right number of slices and will be back to your introspective, goofy, fun-loving self!!
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