Ooh and the shoes...once upon a time I was into metallics and stilettos and studded pumps. And I bought at least three pairs of shoes each month. Obsession? Very much so.
Not to mention I was obsessed with all these different types of anti-aging creams (thanks to mother) and made a trip to buy make-up ever so quite often.
When did I become so afraid of these things?
I've resorted to wearing the more conservative of my closet; full of cottons, linens, delicate lace, and delicate silk. Shoes have taken a step down on the glamour scale as well. Make-up? I only replenish as needed Any new additions to my possessions are all equally conservative.
When did I shy away from it all?
I don't really know.
Was it because my family started to struggle financially due to our sudden up-and-off to Texas? Or am I just horrified of getting the wrong type of attention from guys? Or do I not have as much time to think about my outfits? It could be a little of all those and more.
But what I really want to ask myself is, "Why are you so afraid to disregard all of that and just be you?" (aside from the financial trouble, that is.) I never touch that side of my closet anymore. Hell, I've shuffled through it maybe once or twice all year. I've always been a firm believer in just being yourself, restrained if the social setting need be, but always be bursting of your own personality, let the world see who you are. But the hypocrite that I am! I look at clothing while browsing online and in malls, gazing longingly, wondering why I don't have the motivation to buy anything as impulsively as I would have before. It could be that I have matured and don't go blowing my money like before - but I do blow my money, on restaurants and going out to eat instead. I once sacrificed tasty meals outside of my home in order to buy glitzy and flashy (but not show-y!) apparel, but that is no more. So it's just got to be me not being comfortable with myself.
I started to type this blog post in order to resolve it all but I am stalled, reluctant to point my finger at the one glaringly obvious reason as to why I've strayed away from pursuing a glitzy life. I hate being underestimated. I hate people thinking I'm not capable and I hate that I think I'm not capable. I feel like I need to dress more "serious" in order to gain the brownie points that I think I should deserve. I've never been a student who much cared for taking into heart learning anything I wasn't interested in. In fact, I would sit there, stare, read my textbook/notes over and over again for hours and not gain a bit of knowledge. This was the case for two of my classes last semester (my sincerest gratitudes to required liberal arts introductory courses, not.). My GPA dipped, and I know that's one little number that has long-range consequences. So whenever I applied for anything or told someone what my GPA is (not that it's actually that low but when you're trying for something very competitive, it's a whole 'nother ball game), I panicked and was downright terrified of judgment. But once I started taking my upper-division, major-pertaining courses this summer, my grades shot up with, what I think, a lot less time and effort. I slowly started to realize that I've got a few more years in college and a lot more opportunities for grades. But the horror of telling people my GPA is still ingrained in my mind and that was how I was taught to measure success my entire life.
It's funny how me "running away from the glitzy life" all stems from my fear of being underestimated for not having a near-perfect GPA. Life's such a baffling thing. And I suppose I shall just continue un-baffling it.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Go ahead - SPREAD SOME LOVE! :) Critiques are welcome as well, but only if they are constructive.
But please, when you expect a response, leave some kind of contact if you don't plan on coming back to look for one.