I have no shame.

I have really bad hearing. I'll ask you to repeat what you said about...2-4 times on average, sometimes more. And I have no shame.

If you're a waiter, I'll wave you down or call out your name (politely, of course) from afar rather than wait until you wander by. And I have no shame.

When I'm after an issue of pressing concern, I'll text, message, call, or email you persistently to get a response. And I have no shame.

I have no shame in doing what is necessary. I believe in using your guts that way - it makes the world more efficient.

I find it funny how often times we have such big guts to pursue far-reaching opportunities but we won't muster up the little boldness that it takes to save a few seconds from all the wasted time in the world. And it's not even all about efficiency; it's about all the other little chances that we miss. You know, like in movies, there's often someone who hears only part of a message and misses out on another crucial piece of it that leads to a devastating consequence - like a lost love or a war that could've been prevented. If only the message were repeated, in its clear entirety, would results have been so much more positive.

Maybe it's just a tragic human flaw. That we're scared to get what we want immediately because the concept of instant gratification (or satisfaction) on demand is associated with cruelty and greed. Or that we're scared to call too much open attention to ourselves and risk looking like fools. Whatever the underlying reason may be, we're scared, scared silly - plain and simple. And why are we scared so silly? I feel like we shouldn't be so reluctant to ask for something, with firmness (but without mischief). I think John Locke really must have hit something when he said that self-interest v. self-interest is an excellent option - because if we weren't so afraid to be bold, then the world could be so much more efficient...and productive.

Dysfunctional me: pushing it to the limit

At first glance, I seem like your average play-it-safe college girl who always makes sure she gets everything done in time.  In fact, I am your average play-it-safe college girl with a predictable routine (okay, maybe not, my schedule is a little sporadic but you get the point).  But what a lot of people don't realize is that I have a terribly unhealthy habit.  I tend to really like to be on the brink of disasters and I always push it to that limit.

There are countless things in which I like to sprint until just before I fall off the edge.  Like how much longer can I run without my legs turning completely into jello or how many more repetitions and sets of weights I can do before my muscles cramp up.  And like how little sleep I can get on with and how many cups of coffee/energy drinks I can consume before my heart gives out.  And even how many extracurricular responsibilities I can possibly take on until my GPA suffers just enough.  Also, unfortunately, how long can I go without spending money or how much money I can blow in one internet-shopping sitting.  And most recently, how many more abundances of textured, whole foods I can eat to make sure my wisdom-teeth wounds take as long as possible to heal.

It's funny.  People like to think that I am on top of everything, that I'm doing myself well.  But the truth is, I really don't treat myself well.  I sabotage me over, and over, and over...again, and again, and again.  I don't know what moves me to do this - I don't know the rationale behind any of it.  And I know I need to fix myself because it's not good for me at all (in fact, I've been suffering from major hair loss lately, plenty more than I have lost ever before).

It's like I'm just so unsure of everything.  And maybe that is the reason behind all of my passion for extremities.  To me, it seems like nothing will ever stay put - something will happen; I will leave or someone else will leave.  And I just keep flying not wanting to be idle, not wanting to think about anything because I'm just so terrified.  And now that I am patiently typing this out little by little, I realize that my constant need to run just might be real.  For example, whenever I get close to someone, I pull away immediately.  It's like I feel suffocated or even too safe - like I've put myself on the edge so much that I feel uncomfortable with stability.  And it's probably because I know that even stability will collapse.  The things that you've once been leaning on just, BOOM, falls apart, leaving you with absolutely nothing, forcing you to fall down.

So I run.  I keep fleeing.  I don't want to depend on anything or anyone, I don't want to get attached to anything at all in this world.  Because in the end, I know I'm really all that I have to depend on.  I'll be my own fortress, strong, tall, and invincible - so invincible that I'll do anything to see if I will fall in the end.

And someone has yet to prove me wrong.

Would you rather: have many friends or a few close friends?

That's the age-old question, isn't it?

The selfish, greedy part of me wants to say it's better to have many friends.  The realistic me wants to say the latter.  Allow me to explain why.

Picture credit to Futureofrealestatemarketing.com

     I consider myself a very career-oriented girl despite the fact that I just turned 19 and am only going into my second-year of college.  And though getting to know more people has always been one of my genuine desires, I do believe that everyone can benefit from doing this.  It's a terrific way to show more people what you're capable of (of course, if you aren't inclined to try to be a motivated worker, then networking may be useless after all).
     I've been taken summer courses with older students almost done with school, some reaching into their late 20s.  They keep telling me cool stories about all these people they know - for example, a friend of one of them married the actor Seth Greene.  I keep thinking, "Wow, I wish I had more cool friends like that!"  But the thing is, they're all older than me and I'm so young.  It finally hit me that the older I grow, the more "cool" things people I know (or even myself!) will wind up doing.  And one day, the perks of knowing someone "cool" will come to you.  But how many people actually reach this high status?  I can't imagine too many - so get to know more people :).
     My friend Kasey recommended a book to me, called Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi.  His most important point on networking is that it's "a constant process of giving and receiving -- of asking for and offering help.  By putting people in contact with one another, by giving your time and expertise and sharing them freely, the pie gets bigger for everyone." (Note:  networking is not a selfish thing, it is a mutually beneficial type of thing.)  I'm a fiercely adamant believer in this and I take myself to be a networker-in-training.

Picture credit to Examiner.com

     On the other hand, it's a basic human survival need to have a few close, loyal friends to get you through whatever it is you need to get through.  You know, that girl who goes swimsuit-finding with you who's honest enough to tell you that there may be one in which you look horrifying in.  Or the other one who'll willingly leave her home at some insane hour to meet up with you and chat if you've gone through an emotionally-damaging episode.  And of course, the one who won't cancel lunch with you just because it's raining (of course you have to hold up on your end on this one, too).

     Like my best friend Dorothy, for example.  She's halfway across the country from me and we don't always talk that regularly - but we do talk consistently.  There's the sporadic phone calls, Skype sessions, Facebook, and even emails (I know, what best friends use the latter two anyway? Haha).  I know that she's someone for me to fall back on no matter what because we are just that close.  And I'd be a scared little girl without knowing that she's here for me.
     I think having all this is crucial to the human life; we'd all be dead, bitter souls otherwise (like those work-acholic networkers).  We, as emotionally advanced beings, thrive on this support.  These few, close friends fill in the gaps of our lives.  Like I once read some where, it's like "picking up a book and knowing where you left off."  And when I think back on it, I can't imagine what those times when I've drowned the entire night away in my tears would be like without my close friends comforting me.

Wait, did I just call myself a networker and admit to having close friends?  Hm, I think I did.
This is the part where I render the entire deliberation of the initial question invalid.  I don't think I really believe in would-you-rather questions; I think they're irrationally  two-sided.  You can still have your many friends along with your close friends.  So, did I just elaborate on all those benefits of both sides for naught?  No, I don't really think so.  I think in order for anyone to really utilize both extremes of the above would-you-rather question is to really understand and acknowledge the benefits of each - or else both will be half-assed (excuse my French) and you wouldn't really get anything out of either.

It's okay to refuse to settle.

I hate it when people tell me to "calm down," "take it easy," or "you don't need to work so hard."  It frustrates me and I don't want to comply.  But I admit that I have, on many occasions, given in to this negative peer pressure.  At least when I don't surround myself with other more industrious people.

Before, I used to think that maybe I was spreading myself a little too thin for naught.  Then I'd go take a break and go run along with my "friends" (that aren't so much friends anymore).  And every time I'd give in, I'd get this horrific at-the-pit-of-my-stomach kind of feeling later.  I regretted it.  I felt guilty.  I hated myself.  And now I wish I did spread myself even thinner.

I like to talk with people that strive for more.  I like it because I find someone that I can identify with or look up to.  It makes me feel better that there are people in this world who don't try to keep me down.  Not to mention, I'm a very people-oriented person and I let people influence me, even if it's just a tad (unless I just downright don't have anything in common with them).  I know I always have to be on the look-out because of this.  I think this is why I've withdrawn myself from people in my personal life this summer.  I've kept all connections and relationships at bay, at a distance - a distance in which they cannot affect me in most manners (except I trying to imitate their good qualities).  During the last Fall and Spring semesters, I'd always have to study with someone.  For the Summer semester, I've been all alone, and I love it.  I can feed off of my own ever-whirring energy.

I've learned that it's okay to push yourself to the limit and only take a break when you're really burned-out.  Maybe most of the other people don't agree with me but they're not the ones that should be defining my life.  I will be defining my life from now on - just me, solely me.  And I will do it in a way in which I won't have to feel that horrific at-the-pit-of-my-stomach kind of feeling.

Funny how adversity works in an environment lacking diversity

I really do suppose you never know what you're missing out on until you experience it.  What I'm about to blog here is going to sound like a complaint against South Carolina, so you've got to know now that the palmetto state is still the charming state that's so dear to me and will forever be in my heart. (Not to mention, I miss all of you great people so absolutely terribly!)

The reluctance.
Firstly, I love Texas, I really do.  I had some serious qualms about coming here at first.  My friends knew how adamant I was about staying in South Carolina, but my parents wouldn't budge.  So, Texas it was.

I can't really say that it was an easy adjustment.  I came to Austin, TX - somewhere far, far different from the good ol' conservative sweet Carolina.  Everything kind of just hit me hard at first; there was way too much to take in and my head spun in a whirlwind.

Well, after a year, everything's been rather marvelous.  And it turns out, I don't think I was ever meant to stay in the palmetto state.  I've encountered so many amazing opportunities and gained so much more insight - all of which would have been absent if I had never come crawling into Texas.  But the thing is, all of these great things presented themselves to me only because I told them to "come hither."


I wasn't always a hard worker; that side of me came later in my juvenile life.  I remember that in the earliest days of my life in Michigan, I was just a wild little girl who would ride her bike with her roller blades on and then just jump off and start rolling away.  I wouldn't dare touch a book or even a pencil, rather.  And even now, some of those tendencies come out - contrary to popular belief (at least for those around me), I have to control myself aggressively and unyieldingly to hone in my diligence and responsibility.  So what made me so fervently determined to be successful?

The revelation.
The discrimination in South Carolina.  It wasn't a loud, blatantly obvious discrimination.  It was the more subtle kind, basically the denouncing glances I would get from both white strangers and black strangers (ironic, huh?).  Often, the only time a person didn't shoot me a superior look was after they had gotten to know me (and now, I'm still getting adjusted to the positive attention I'm getting in Texas that I feel so uncomfortable with).  The thing is, I never wanted to notice this repressiveness, I only allowed myself to be scarcely aware of it (because I'm the type of person who likes to believe in the good of everybody).  Instead, I'd redirect my energy into putting myself into as many of high school's spheres of influence as possible - marching band, student council, various leadership/service organizations, pageants.  I've done it all and God knows what else.  I've never let it known that I felt suppressed growing up in such a beautifully charming state (until now, that is, and I feel like I'm baring my soul as I am typing this).  I suppose you can say I almost imperceptibly felt the need to get myself out there and put on the most respected image possible for all the people of my own ethnicity. This is where my commitment, perseverance, and ambition comes from.

The reality.
Now, however, I have decided that Asians just aren't fully accepted in that region. I have finally become open to facing the hard reality.  And I am so thankful for having been trampled and stifled because I have learned how to dig myself out of all debris on the top of many restrictive holes that I find myself in.  It's funny how this adversity from lack of diversity can really make a person better than they would have been if he/she hadn't been forced out of the comfort zone.  And now I'm just so happy in Texas, I feel so exhilarated to be able to utilize these skills I've acquired in such an uncompromising environment (though I still have yet to learn even more skills).

The side note.
Lastly, to all those South Carolinian friends who end up reading this:  Don't tell me that the discrimination doesn't exist because we all know it does.  I don't mean this in a rude way, but you've got to admit that it's a matter of truth.  But I still love you all, unquestionably so :).