Dysfunctional me: pushing it to the limit

At first glance, I seem like your average play-it-safe college girl who always makes sure she gets everything done in time.  In fact, I am your average play-it-safe college girl with a predictable routine (okay, maybe not, my schedule is a little sporadic but you get the point).  But what a lot of people don't realize is that I have a terribly unhealthy habit.  I tend to really like to be on the brink of disasters and I always push it to that limit.

There are countless things in which I like to sprint until just before I fall off the edge.  Like how much longer can I run without my legs turning completely into jello or how many more repetitions and sets of weights I can do before my muscles cramp up.  And like how little sleep I can get on with and how many cups of coffee/energy drinks I can consume before my heart gives out.  And even how many extracurricular responsibilities I can possibly take on until my GPA suffers just enough.  Also, unfortunately, how long can I go without spending money or how much money I can blow in one internet-shopping sitting.  And most recently, how many more abundances of textured, whole foods I can eat to make sure my wisdom-teeth wounds take as long as possible to heal.

It's funny.  People like to think that I am on top of everything, that I'm doing myself well.  But the truth is, I really don't treat myself well.  I sabotage me over, and over, and over...again, and again, and again.  I don't know what moves me to do this - I don't know the rationale behind any of it.  And I know I need to fix myself because it's not good for me at all (in fact, I've been suffering from major hair loss lately, plenty more than I have lost ever before).

It's like I'm just so unsure of everything.  And maybe that is the reason behind all of my passion for extremities.  To me, it seems like nothing will ever stay put - something will happen; I will leave or someone else will leave.  And I just keep flying not wanting to be idle, not wanting to think about anything because I'm just so terrified.  And now that I am patiently typing this out little by little, I realize that my constant need to run just might be real.  For example, whenever I get close to someone, I pull away immediately.  It's like I feel suffocated or even too safe - like I've put myself on the edge so much that I feel uncomfortable with stability.  And it's probably because I know that even stability will collapse.  The things that you've once been leaning on just, BOOM, falls apart, leaving you with absolutely nothing, forcing you to fall down.

So I run.  I keep fleeing.  I don't want to depend on anything or anyone, I don't want to get attached to anything at all in this world.  Because in the end, I know I'm really all that I have to depend on.  I'll be my own fortress, strong, tall, and invincible - so invincible that I'll do anything to see if I will fall in the end.

And someone has yet to prove me wrong.